If you’ve been in a relationship where you were kept away from the money, criticised, or made to feel “bad with finances”, I want you to know:

You’re not stupid.

You’re not incapable.

You’re not too late.

And you’re not alone.

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I’ve worked with a lot of who women leave controlling relationships without a clear understanding of the family finances. They may not know where all the accounts are held, what debts exist, how much their partner earns, whether bills are paid, what assets they own, or even how much money is available day to day.

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This does not mean they are irresponsible.

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It often means they were excluded.

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In many controlling relationships, money becomes a tool of power. One person may control the accounts, make all the decisions, hide information, restrict spending, criticise every purchase, or make the other person feel stupid for asking basic financial questions.

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Over time, this wears down confidence and trust.

You may have heard things like:

“You wouldn’t understand.”

“You’re hopeless with money.”

“I earn it, so I’ll manage it.”

“Why are you asking so many questions?”

“You’re just bad with numbers.”

“You should be grateful I take care of this.”

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These comments can make intelligent, capable women doubt themselves, especially when they’re repeated over many years. They can create fear around opening bank statemen/.ts, asking questions, making decisions or seeking help.

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But financial confidence is not something you either have or don’t have.

It is something you build.

Step by step.

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Financial control is not your failure

If you were not given access to the family finances, that is not a reflection of your intelligence.

If you did not understand the mortgage, investments, tax, debts or superannuation, that may be because no one explained them to you in a safe and respectful way.

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If you avoided money conversations because they led to arguments, criticism or shame, that was a protective response.

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Many women learn to stay quiet about money because asking questions creates conflict. They stop checking accounts because it feels unsafe. They hand over responsibility because it feels easier than being belittled.

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That’s not laziness.

That’s survival.

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As you begin to rebuild, you don’t need to judge the version of you who coped the best way she could. She got you here.

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You get to support her by learning, asking, understanding and taking back your financial voice.

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Start with what you can see

When money has felt confusing or hidden, the first step is to simply to gather information.

Start with what you can access.

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This might include:

• Bank statements
• Credit card statements
• Mortgage documents
• Loan statements
• Super details or last year’s statement
• Tax returns
• Payslips
• Insurance policies
• Utility bills
• Car loans
• Business documents
• Investment account statements
• Centrelink or child support correspondence
• Legal documents
• Emails from banks, accountants or advisers

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You don’t need to understand every document immediately.

Just start collecting them.

Create a folder, either digital or physical, and save copies where you can access them safely. If you are concerned about your privacy or safety, consider using a secure email address, password-protected cloud storage or speaking with a finance professional before making changes.

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Clarity begins with visibility.

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Learn the language of money 

Financial services can feel like another language.

Offset accounts. Redraw. Equity. Super splitting. Capital gains tax. ETFS. Liabilities. Net worth. Income protection. Refinancing. Investing.

If these words feel overwhelming, that doesn’t mean you’re bad with money.

It means you have not been taught in a way that feels safe, practical and relevant to your life.

Start with the basics.

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Go to my blog page and start here:

- Women Talking Finance

That is enough to begin.

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You do not need to know everything before you start. You simply need to be willing to learn one piece at a time.

Financial confidence grows through action and knowledge, not shame or guilt.

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Rebuild your money confidence through small actions

When you have been criticised or controlled, even small financial tasks can feel emotionally loaded.

Opening a bank app can trigger anxiety.

Calling a provider can feel intimidating.

Making a decision can bring up fear of getting it wrong.

So, start small.

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Choose one simple action at a time:

• Log in to your bank account and look at the balance
• Write down your regular bills
• Check your superannuation balance
• Open a separate account in your own name
• Update one password
• Read one bank statement
• Ask a trusted professional one question
• Listen to a finance podcast (here’s a few: Australian Finance Podcast, The Grass is Greener, Get Rich Slowly)
• Track your spending for one week
• Set up one small automatic transfer to savings
• Make a list of debts you know about

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These steps may seem small, but they are powerful.

Every action sends a message to your nervous system:

“I can look at this.”

“I can learn this.”

“I am allowed to understand my own financial life.”

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Confidence does not come from knowing everything. It comes from proving to yourself that you can take the next step.

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Understand your monthly cost of living

If you are preparing to leave, have recently separated, or are rebuilding after a  relationship, one of the most important numbers to understand is your monthly and annual cost of living.  Essentially, how much does it cost to live your lifestyle?

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What is the amount you need to cover your monthly living costs.

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This may include rent or mortgage payments, groceries, utilities, phone and internet, transport, insurances, medical costs, child-related expenses and personal essentials.

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This number gives you a starting point.

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It can help you understand what income you need, what support you may be eligible for, what expenses may need to change and what decisions are urgent versus what can wait.

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Find your support network and ask for help

One of the most damaging parts of a controlling relationship is that it can make you feel embarrassed to ask for help. You may worry that a lawyer, accountant, adviser, bank employee or money coach will judge you.

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A good professional will never do that.

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They will understand that individuals get locked out of financial decision-making. They will explain things clearly and answer questions without making you feel small. They will help you understand your options.

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There is no shame in learning something you were never properly taught.

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Be aware of the voice in your head

After years of being criticised, you may notice that the other person’s voice becomes part of your own inner dialogue.

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You may think:

“I’m hopeless with money.”

“I should have known better.”

“I’ll never understand this.”

“I’m too old to start again.”

“I can’t trust myself.”

When these thoughts appear, pause and ask:

“Is this actually true, or is this something I was taught to believe about myself?”

Then try replacing it with something more supportive:

“I am learning.”

“I can take this one step at a time.”

“I do not need to know everything today.”

“I am allowed to ask questions.”

“I am becoming financially confident.”

“I can and will rebuild.”

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The way you speak to yourself matters.

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Financial healing is not only about spreadsheets and bank accounts. It is also about repairing the belief that you are capable.

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This next chapter may involve learning how to budget, finding work, increasing your income, renting or buying in your own name, understanding superannuation, negotiating a property settlement, building an emergency fund or investing for the first time.

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It may feel uncomfortable.

It will emotional.

It may feel slow.

But every step you take matters.

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Because the truth is, you were never incapable.

You were disconnected from information, confidence and support.

Now, you are reconnecting.

To your money.

To your choices.

To your future.

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And most importantly, to yourself.